Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in blazinmo's LiveJournal:

Thursday, October 28th, 2004
10:43 am	What Am I? An exploration of identity The woman walked up to the table and squinted at me. Her eyes moved across my face. She stared at my lips, nose, mouth, and eyes. “What are you?” she asked. I don’t remember who I was tabling for. I don’t even remember why I was seated at that table in the first place. I just remember the question: “what are you?” I don’t begrudge this lady her question. I suspect she simply meant to ask what my ethnic background or heritage was. Maybe she simply didn’t know any more sensitive way to ask it. It’s true, it can hard to tell “what” I am simply by looking at me. Some people assume I’m Native American, some think I’m Latino, and some odd individuals have concluded that I must be of Asian decent. What am I? I wish we were all simple enough to fall into easy categories. I wish I could simply say, I’m Latino, I’m a Hoya, I like to write, or I’m a human being. But it’s not simple. It’s just not that simple. The truth is that I am all of the above but I don’t know who I am and I don’t know what I am. It sounds corny but I came to college on a search for meaning, on a search for identity. I haven’t found it yet. I’m still searching. I sometimes wonder whether other people are also on this quest for identity; for knowledge of themselves, of others, of meaning. It sometimes appears to me that the people I associate with know who they are. They have clear identities and they associate themselves with what they understand. Yet maybe, although they don’t know it, these people are on the same journey that I am. Maybe they haven’t discovered that they’re multifaceted; that they have odd complexities that must be poked and prodded until they emerge. But when this other side of you emerges it’s hard to fathom what to do or where to turn for normalcy; for reassurance. I didn’t know how to respond to the woman. At first I wanted to tell her to “FUCK” herself. Then I wanted to cry. Finally I wanted to embrace her, to help her understand what I don’t even understand about myself; what I wish I understood about “what” I am. “I’m Moises,” I said. (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 24th, 2004
3:36 pm	I feel that life is mostly about politics. It's about sucking up to the important people so you can get ahead. It's about proving yourself so people know you care about something...there's no such thing as an objective standard for judging someone or their performance. I realized that it simply does not exist. Life is a menagerie of subjectivity and it's interesting how people make snap judgements about others after meeting them once..."that guy is really skeevey" or "she's nasty"...we don't even know these people yet we know already that they're people we want to avoid..funny. I do have a way of copping out of things...unfortunately...i feel like a jerk cause i sign up for all these things and then get involved with something else and stop going to these other things and then people get mad at me BLAH!!! I have to organize things...I have to organize myself. My room is like my mind. It's a jumble of things all thrown together completely disorganized out of place...not realizing what is what and what goes where and who does what. I don't know what to do with my life. There are things I desire but I know I'll never get, I'll never achieve them. I'm not bitchy enough. I don't think I'm an asshole and I like to think that I treat people with respect. Maybe if I became a cutthroat politician guy who tried to dominate everything I could be more successful. But there are other things I don't even know that I want yet or I need yet. I need to wash my clothes. This sort of randomnly brings me back to the elusive question of what the meaning of life is. Sometimes I think my life has no real meaning sometimes I think it does. Sure there are people who care about me and you but in a few years, god knows they'll have forgotten about me and me about them. We'll just be footnotes in each other's past. Yea I know a number of ppl on this campus but I do not KNOW them. I just know they exist and they are human beings and they have some sort of story to tell that I will never hear... I go in stages...one day i'm happy, the next day introspective, the next day lonely, the next day philosophical, the next day grabby etc. etc. Are most people static? Do their personalities, their feelings and their hopes stay the same day after day? It often seems that everything I think I am is different from one day to the next. Funny... (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 10th, 2004
11:27 pm	Have you ever walked down the street and thought about all the stories the other people walking there with you have which you will never hear? Everyone has a story, be it banal or profound. Yes even that bum on the street has a story. It makes me feel funny when I think about how I walk down the street and avoid him when he asks me for money. Why don't I care about him? I also wonder why there are only certain people I care about and who care about me but others I don't really care about... I wonder whether the emotion university officials have when talking about that student who drowned is real or contrived...Do they spend their whole car ride home just thinking about that poor kid? I don't know. Somehow I doubt it. They're probably thinking about how they need to buy some meatloaf at Safeway or that new book that just came out. There is a day or two of mourning and then everyone just forgets about it. I feel like everything should just stop when someone dies. I didn't know the kid but somehow, nontheless, I feel upset about his death. It's funny how we all really seem focused on ourselves. People rarely admit they're wrong...there's always some excuse or justification to whatever bad thing happened...always always always. I wish I wasn't studying for a midterm and writing a paper. I wish I was running around on a lawn in the sun. All random thoughts which give a rather melancholy feel to things tonight.... (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 9th, 2004
1:08 pm	'Twas a night of heightened debauchery just off the Georgetown University campus. I took saferides home early after feeling a bit under the weather. 'Twas Quite the night. (Comment on this)
12:17 am	suck it your're disrespectful (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 7th, 2004
10:42 pm	So today I went into the Hoya office and there was a box of bongo drums just sitting there so I asked what they were for. Donkey Konga needed to be reviewed so I agreed to review it. Thus started my desperate search for someone with a tv who could play the damn video game with me in like the next 30 minutes cause i needed to write a review within like 1 hour. Finally I found someone blah!! YAY ALL DONE and now I have bongo drums. This campus has so many issues. Georgetown is in a perpetual identity crisis I think. Is it secular or is it Catholic?? Should we follow the church's line on everything?? Is the campus safe? What about the assaults that take place right outside the front gates all the damn time? And what about the fact that this fooking school has a perpetual cash flow problem and behind the scenes things are falling apart and my toilet is overflowing? And I never see John DeGoia. I think he should walk around and talk to us and eat in the dining hall and stuff. That would be rad. So I got in this deep conversation at dinner last nite and we decided that the meaning of life might be simply to have sex as much as possible. Yes 'tis true...if one thinks about it, it's quite possible that everything we do revolves around this unconscious desire to have sex all the time and thus further perpetuate little pieces of ourselves into pepetuity. But despite this great epiphany that we have arrived at, I refuse to believe that the meaning of life truly is solely to have sex. I like to think the real meaning of life is to build meaningful relationships and to make a difference in the world. Sigh. Now that I'm talking about relationships I've realized a lot of my relationships are superficial. Actually I have known this for a long time. Relationships are not easy to build really. But I think I have issues being open w/ people. I don't like to open myself to meaningful scrutiny. It comes back to that whole complicated or stupid or simple person paradox again. What am I really? I guess we're all in that perpetual search to figure out who the hell we really are and want to be and what the hell we want to do with our lives. Hmm..i'm done. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
12:15 pm	ooh Ok i'm going to do this live journal shiat fo' real now. I'm gonna write something every damn day. I promise. This shall be recorded for posterity when I become famous. hahahahah Ok so, I think I'm either a. extremely moody, b. complex c. really simple but fucked up in da head or d. perfectly normal. I'm probably a combination actually. I think we all have issues. Apparently I'm eccentric. Someone told me that a few dayz ago. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing to be eccentric. I don't even know what that means. Maybe eccentric means you're moody? I think I can be pretty moody especially lately I've been pretty up and down. I've been feeling emotional lately but there's no one really to share my emotions w/. It just depends on the day mebbe. Maybe it's mah poofy hair. My hair is pretty damn poofy right now. I feel like mah poofy hair might be makin' my brain poofy or something I need to get a haircut but there it ain't alwayz easy to get off campus to a decent place for a haircut. You know, I was watching the vp debate last night and I don't know how I felt after all that. I have an issue expressing mah feelings mebbe? At least I can more or less be myself with ppl now I think. Do you ever think about how we might just be cogs in some huge machine? Do we even matter? Do I matter in the scheme of things? (Sigh) Sometimes I don't know what the point of this whole college thing is. I should be out doing something somewhere-helping someone somewhere bleh. I feel like I'm stuck in a bubble, or a rut, where I do the same pointless things over and over again. I wonder who matters and what matters and what the point of this whole thing is. Ok I'm done. (Comment on this)